


He Loved Her Anyway

by WintersCaptain



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: F/M, and i felt some emotions when i thought about this, its matthew's birthday, so i decided to write it down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 04:53:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10779966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WintersCaptain/pseuds/WintersCaptain
Summary: As Mary sits alone in Matthew's den, five years after his death, she remembers how she got here.





	He Loved Her Anyway

Mary woke up that morning with a dull ache in her temples. She sat up, rubbing a hand down her face. 

It was Matthew’s birthday. The fifth one she had been unable to celebrate with him. The first with Henry. She stared blankly at the bed covers, her mind simultaneously whirling and completely still. She glanced to her right, where Henry was still sleeping 

peacefully. His brown hair was tousled and undone. She swallowed thickly, leaning down to kiss his forehead. 

Throwing the covers off her, she stood and wrapped herself in her dressing gown. Slipping out of the room as quietly as she could, she padded barefoot down the stairs and into the den, which had remained virtually untouched since Matthew’s death. 

She lowered herself into the chair and rang the bell, unsure who would find her. 

Soon, Thomas arrived at the entrance. 

“My lady?” It was both a question and a greeting. 

“Good morning Barrow. Might I have some tea?” 

“Would you not care for some breakfast, my lady?”

“No. Not now. I should think I would like to spend some of the morning in Mr. Crawley’s study.” She paused, tracing some of the wood grain on the large oak desk. “It’s his birthday, you know.”

“I remember well, my lady. I’ll fetch your tea myself. Please inform me should you have any special requests today, as usual.” 

“Thank you, Barrow.”

“Thank you, my lady.” He ducked out of the room quietly, closing the door behind him. 

She sank into the chair, letting her mind wander to the last time she had been in here with her late husband. They had gotten up to rather…salacious activities, if her memory served, late at night sometime before they traveled to Scotland. She smiled at the memory, still tracing the wood grain that had seen such unseemly behavior. 

Mary remembered the hours she would spend with Matthew, sitting in her own chair at the corner of the room, occasionally bothering him in the small hours of the morning, when she far preferred to sit on his lap and get in the way of his work. 

There was a knock.

“Come in.” 

Thomas entered, with a tray of tea and a few scones. 

“Mrs. Patmore insisted to add something to eat, my lady.”

“Oh, do thank her for me. I so appreciate it.” She took the tray from him, setting it gingerly on the desk.

“I also told Anna where she could find you, my lady. She will respond to your bell in this room and in your bedchamber, should you decide to return.” 

“Thank you. Please inform Mr. Talbot as well, upon his waking. I shouldn’t want to worry him.” 

“Of course my lady.” Thomas was about to leave but hesitated upon reaching the door, turning around to Mary once more. 

“Yes?” She looked up from her tea, through her lashes. 

“If I may – does he know, my lady?”

“No. He doesn’t. I haven’t decided whether to tell him or not, so please keep it to yourself.”

Thomas nodded, dipping his head before sliding out the door once more. 

She sat there for a long while, perhaps an hour or two, picking at the scones and sipping tea until it was cold. It seemed both a long while and a short one, as she relived her memories over and over again, savoring the moments she could recall with great clarity. His proposal, her wedding day, the birth of their son, and countless others scattered throughout the nine years they spent together before his death. 

Sometimes she kicked herself for playing that stupid hot and cold game with him for so long. Ultimately, though, she knew their marriage wouldn’t have been the same. She far preferred to marry him after she really loved him, as opposed to the beginning, where she surely resented him. 

Over the course of the few hours she sat alone, the room settled in a decided chill. Mary pulled the blanket from one of the couches, wrapping it around her shoulders. She felt like a child, sitting in that big chair all by herself…

She woke with a start. Someone had knocked on the door.

“Come in!”

Henry, dressed and ready for the day, peered into the den, a small smile on his face. 

“Did my snoring repulse you this morning?” He winked at her, coming into the room and closing the door behind him, leaning on it. 

“Oh please.” Mary gathered herself, sitting up straight in the chair. She realized with a start that the tray was gone. How long had she been sleeping? “You don’t snore.” 

“Well, of course, you would know.” 

Henry looked at his wife, no worse for wear, folded up in an overlarge chair. He realized, looking around himself, that he had never seen this room before, though he had been familiar with Downton for over a year now. He could feel Mary’s eyes following him as he walked the space, studying the titles of the law books and papers that littered the tables, desk, and bookshelves throughout the room. 

“This is Matthew’s office.” It wasn’t a question. 

Mary was quiet for a moment. “Yes,” she said. 

He approached her, kneeling and resting his elbow on the arm of the chair. “Tell me.” 

She looked away from him. She felt the prick of tears behind her eyelids and took a somewhat frustrated, shuddering breath. 

“It’s his birthday today.” She brought her knees closer to her body, hugging the blanket tighter around her. 

“…Mary, I –“ Henry stopped short, realizing there was nothing to say. He stood, gathering her in his arms as she began to cry. 

“I just – feel, I feel so guilty. I know it’s ridiculous, that he would have wanted me – us – to be happy. But,“ She looked up at Henry, who began to brush her tears away, “I just miss him so much I feel as if I might burst.” She swallowed. “And that’s not fair to you.  
And I’m sorry.” 

He closed his eyes, bringing her closer to him as she continued to cling weakly to his lapels. “Oh, Mary. You never have to apologize for this. You must know I – I don’t fault you for it. How could I?” He leaned back, seeking her eyes. “I know I can never fill that role. I know you love me. You love him. He was your first husband, the father of your child. The man you loved above any.” 

She sniffed, taking in a few wobbly breaths. 

“You weren’t ready for him to leave you. He left far too soon.” He paused, taking a moment to wipe more tears from her eyes and face. “But I do know this.” 

“What’s that?” 

“You would not be the Mary I so love without him. I am so indebted to him, Mary, you have no idea how much regard and esteem I have for Matthew Crawley. I only have you as my wife because you loved him first.” 

Mary leaned into him. “You’re right.” 

“I think we should go see him today. Have luncheon at the church with George. Celebrate his birthday and his life. What do you think?”

She nodded into his chest. “I’d like that very much. I don’t go as often as I should.” 

“Then it’s settled.” He hugged her tight before letting her go, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Shall I take you upstairs to get dressed?”

She nodded, giving him a watery smile. He took her hand, guiding her out of the office with the blanket still around her shoulders.

As they ascended the stairs, she took a moment to fully feel the weight of Henry’s love for her. He married her, adopted her son as his own, and shouldered the baggage of the Crawley family with a smile on his face. She didn’t deserve him. 

He loved her anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling all the things.
> 
> xo Tali


End file.
